Graduate School

This morning I finished submitting my applications for graduate school in the United Kingdom. I still have a lot of work to do, applying for funding. I've spent hours and hours already on this, and I think I got to the point where I just submitted my applications, regardless of many corrections which could and probably should have been made to personal statements and the like.
Graduate tuition as an overseas student is expensive. Well, it seems that way since they lump it into a yearly sum rather than by term. If you really think about it, though, it's not that bad. (By the way, this post will be useless to anyone but me, I think lol). Tuition in the UK for me will be around $20,000-$30,000. That sounds really expensive, especially after you add in living expenses and such. If you divide that into semesters, that's about $7,000 a semester. That's still a lot more than BYU grad tuition ($2800/sem), but then again, BYU grad programs are 2 years long rather than one. So, at BYU I'd be paying about $16,800 for grad tuition altogether. It doesn't come out to be that different from studying in the UK, and in the UK I get done faster and at a higher-ranked school. I can work 20 hours per week as a student in the UK. I'm hoping this is feasible as a grad student should I be admitted because that would be very helpful financially. If I can get some funding at least, it will be very helpful as well. That's that much more in loans I don't have to take out. I should probably shut up since I could very well not be accepted to any of the places I applied. The most likely to accept me is Newcastle, since they are the lowest ranked of those I applied to.They are 24th in the UK, but they are 7th or 8th for medical programs there.
My parents are supportive of me, which is always nice (they always are supportive.) I think it will be very hard in certain ways if I get to go over to the UK for grad school. I was thinking about that the other night--how I may well be very lonely, the program may be super hard, or I might not even like the program. And then I thought of the Church, and how I have an automatic network no matter where I go in the world. Shabam.

The "Justice" System

On Friday one of my good friends was convicted of various crimes, including a conviction for racketeering influenced and corrupt organization (RICO) crimes. As I read the article this morning, I felt sick inside for him. He's served three years already in a state penitentiary, and was offered a plea deal which would have given him two more years maximum served in prison. He felt strongly that he shouldn't take the plea deal. Now he faces ten years minimum on one charge alone, and he could serve up to 57 if he receives the maximum sentencing.
I believe in prosecuting crime. I also truly believe that some of the guys being tried with my friend truly do need to be locked up for a long time. But it's crazy to me how different my perspective is on the justice system having a friend being tried who I know on a personal level. When I read about criminals in the news, I'm unsympathetic I'm writing about this to go on a tirade about the injustice of our court system because I know that it's a complex issue I know very little about. All I can say is that this issue has served to make me extremely grateful that we have a God who is both just and merciful, who knows us perfectly. There isn't a possibility that we will be judged unfairly or receive a sentencing not in alignment with our actions. God knows our hearts. There is no possible way for us to make a truly just judgment of others. C.S. Lewis said:

What can you ever really know of other people's souls--of their temptations, their opportunities, their struggles? One soul in the whole creation you do know: and it is the only one whose fate is placed in your hands.

Like I said, I feel sick for my friend. He made mistakes--that is obvious. But such a significant portion of his life in prison he does not deserve. Like Elder Oaks said, our justice system isn't concerned with repentant hearts. I'm so grateful to know that, despite the injustice that exists in this world, there is better to come.   

I HATE GRAD SCHOOL APPS

If I have to write another personal statement or statement of intent, I'm GONNA spontaneously combust.

Conference Culture

Imagine the first chapters of Mosiah where King Benjamin gives his famous speech. I'm so sure that the night before, the young adults all got together to celebrate, and danced around a bonfire until 3 am, and then missed his speech. Right?? Anyone?
On that note, I was thinking about this past weekend and some of the funny parts of Mormon culture that have developed here over the years. I was thinking about the dances, the concerts, the activities that happened over General Conference weekend; how people go out, dance til late (often to music that's not even close to being in line with Church teachings), then go out to eat even later, returning home (or not home) in the wee hours of the morning, only to get up when the first session of General Conference is already over. OR, if they manage to get up, they can barely keep their eyes open. Then they put on the clothes they bought specifically for Conference weekend and head over to Temple Square where they "listen" to Conference aka take pictures and look around at who else is there. And another personal favorite, going to Temple Square (which has been sacrilegiously dubbed 'Club T' or even 'Kalapu T') at 11, midnight, even 1 in the morning--times when the Square is actually closed.
What probably used to be celebration of the bi-annual, beloved counsel of the Brethren has become over-celebration which now distracts and detracts from a weekend which, in all reality, needs no embellishment whatsoever. General Conference stands alone as a marvelous celebration, but somehow we've managed to clutter it with other, much-less meaningful activities. This whole over-celebration is a perfect demonstration of a concept we talked about in Social Psychology. Our professor gave an example of an old man who loves children. The neighborhood children love coming to play in his yard, and he loves hearing their voices and watching them enjoy themselves. Because he enjoys this so much, he starts to give them a quarter every time they come. In time, they start to associate the enjoyment they used to receive from the actual playing instead with the money. The same applies to General Conference. People begin to associate Conference weekend with social rather than spiritual uplifting. Social activities are all fine and dandy, but I think we can all agree what the priority is.
I've most definitely been guilty of participating in all of the above activities, but happily the ridiculousness of it all has started to strike me a bit. There are 50 weekends of the year when we can, if we must, stay out late dancing and eating--even then it's not recommended by our leaders. Conference weekend should be the exception weekend, if anything.
And now for some awesomely straightforward and lovely counsel from Elder Holland's Priesthood Session talk I just listened to:

"In this battle between good and evil, you cannot play for the adversary whenever temptation comes along and then expect to suit up for the Savior at temple and mission time as if nothing has happened. That, my young friends, you cannot do. God will not be mocked."

"The Lord has drawn lines of worthiness for those called to labor with Him in this work. No missionary can be unrepentant of sexual transgression, or profane language, or pornographic indulgence and then expect to challenge others to repent of those very things. You cannot do that. The Spirit will not be with you, and the words will choke in your throat as you speak them. You cannot travel down what Lehi called 'forbidden paths' and expect to guide others to the strait and narrow one."

Elder Holland. Shizzam.

Changes

Today is a day of change. That's what I decided on my work commute this morning. These are the changes I'm going to make:
-I'm going to start budgeting-->keeping track of my spending, earnings, expenses
-I'm going to attempt to memorize a scripture every day. The frequency of this may change...
-I'm going to take a break from facebook for a month and see how my life feels
I feel great about these changes

Whatttta weekend...

Home. Mom. Dad. Siblings. Conference Center. Temples. Talks. Food. Pajamas.
That, my friends, is a recipe for happiness.
Conference weekend is always epic. This one was no exception.
-->The post-Priesthood Session gathering at Grandma's was fantastic. Spending time with the extended family is so much fun! I spent a lot of it with little Brooklyn. She was wearing a cute sweater dress. I asked her if I could borrow it sometime. She said, "No! This dress is a 5T, and you're too big for a 5T." Also, right before we ate, I said, "Brooklyn, are you as hungry as I am?" She said, "Nooo!" as though my question was preposterous. Later in the evening, as we were cleaning up, Grandma offered me $20 if I could get my Dad home haha. She offered it to Tim and Sarah as well, the result of which was Grandma chucking $20 bills on the floor since we wouldn't take them from her. I love my family haha.
-->I got to go to Saturday Morning and Sunday Morning sessions. I pay much better attention in the Conference Center. I got so much from both of those sessions. President Monson wasn't there at the beginning of Saturday Morning session. He walked in at the end of the congregational hymn. President Eyring got up and said, "We will now have the pleasure of hearing from our beloved prophet, President Thomas S. Monson." President Monson startled, being unaware apparently that he was going to speak haha. It was pretty funny. He came up to the podium and said, "Hi!" haha I love him.
-->I felt such a general but strong love for the leaders of the Church. What amazing men! Elder Nash wasn't there Saturday, but he was on Sunday. I honestly can't do justice to the love and gratitude I feel for him. I will never forget my experience with him in Peru and Bolivia. I feel that that opportunity I was granted with him will really shape my pursuits to be Christlike and to help "the one." Also, it was fantastic to hear Brother Matt Richardson speak yesterday afternoon. He is so great. So great. I sure missed seeing Grandpa Neal up there on the stand, sitting in his chair with his chin resting on clasped hands, eyes closed, pondering. It's always fun to remark the Brethren and how their personalities are manifested even in how they sit. Elder Nelson, sitting very straight, on the edge of his chair; Elder Holland with his head back and eyes closed, pondering; Elder Oaks leaning his elbow on his chair, close to his good good friend Elder Nelson. I love those men.
-->This time, I took notes very differently. I didn't take them copiously, as I usually do. Instead, I only wrote down things when I felt inspiration. I've meant to do this for a long time, but I finally did, and it was great! I got to listen so much better, and I felt impressed about certain specific things I can do to obey the counsel I heard.
-->Elder Ardern talked about managing time wisely. Uh-oh. He talked about social media.

 I sense that some are trapped in a new time-consuming addiction; one that enslaves us to be constantly checking and sending social messages and thus giving the false impression of being busy and productive. 

Talk about a message for me specifically! So now I have some thinking to do...Do I delete facebook altogether since I struggle to use it in moderation? Or do I really apply myself to learning how to use it in moderation? The dependence I feel upon facebook is not a good thing. That much I know. So, it's time to figure out how to apply his counsel.
This Conference weekend, I also tried not to go out because I didn't want to detract from the purpose of the weekend. I don't regret my decision in the least. It was much easier to concentrate when I wasn't falling asleep from having stayed out too late.
I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the gospel, for the opportunity to repent and improve myself through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I feel so blessed to be a member of His church.

The day where I remembered I love writing

Today I remembered I love writing. I'm a selfish writer, I think. Because, let's be honest, noone reads what I write. But I still get joy from it.
Today I'm just going to write about whatever comes to mind--without being limited by a theme or subject. So here's what's on my mind.
Life, the situations in it, and the thoughts in it are all undulating waves, bringing ups and downs, high and low tide, tangled seaweed and beautiful seashells. There may be variation in the frequency of those ups and downs, or in how long the tide is high and low, but it's a done deal that if the tide's been high, it's going to be low at some point. And conversely, if life's been bringing nothing but seaweed, seashells and gold-flecked sand are going to come at some point.
That being said, in the last year more than ever, I've found that these circumstantial details don't have as much control over how I generally feel in life as I sometimes claim or think. Trials there are in life, but feeling joy is generally far more connected with my level of worthiness regarding the gospel and my commitment to serve in the Lord's way.
For 4 or 5 years, I pursued what I wanted in life--or rather what I thought I wanted. Those were dark years, but I didn't realize just how dark until I tried, in a very small way perhaps, to pursue what the Lord wanted for me. I now look back and realize what a constant, unnecessary, irrational battle I was fighting. It's like preventing someone from turning on the light in the room because you've gotten so used to finding your way around in the dark. Finally you let the switch flip. Sure enough, your eyes sting and you have to blink to keep out some of that bright light. When you open up your eyes and survey your surroundings, nothing is as it seemed to be when you were feeling your way around. Things have fallen over and even broken as you've groped around for so long in the dark. Is this really the mess you've been surviving in? How did you possibly manage?
This is how I feel about those 4 or 5 years. There are good memories, yes. Of course there are! But overwhelmingly, as hindsight kicks in, the overall aura of those years is one of hurt and struggle. People always compare life to a painting or a tapestry of which we don't see the whole picture. In one of her songs, Beyonce said, "I painted it for you, but you picked the colors." Now that I get to step back and see the bigger picture, it's more and more clear what colors I chose, who I gave my brush to, and what painting resulted.
The painting that formed in those few years of my life is only a relatively small part of the even bigger picture that will be my whole life's work when all's said and done. But it's still a part of it--and it sure didn't feel "small" when it was happening. Presently of more significance, I'm still learning how to make it fit with what I want my painting to look like. How do make that mostly dark, depressing patch blend in with the beautiful vibrancy I'm trying to create now? I'm sure I'll find a way, but it's definitely a work in progress.
Next thought: Emotion. It's unreal how powerful emotion is. In psychology, we frequently talked about emotional memory--how memories last longer when they are associated with strong emotion. I was reading some of my journal entries from last year, and boy, was this brought home to me. Emotions laying dormant for months and months, but it was almost scary how quickly they resurfaced and agitated me. Words on a page is all they were, but I can remember how I felt during the events I was describing, and I can remember how I felt writing about them. I look back at a lot of the stuff I went through and put up with, and it just makes me sick inside.
Last week, Emily asked me if sometimes I ever want to just say, "Why, God? Why did I have to go through all of that?" I thought about it briefly, but then I said, "No. I really don't think God wanted or meant for me to go through that. I think I didn't listen to what He wanted for me." It's not that I don't believe God lets us go through difficult things for our benefit and growth. I know He does--that's an essential part of my basic beliefs. But in this instance, I believe that God probably wanted something very different for me. I surely learned lessons, but those lessons could be gleaned from other experiences. I chose my way, which happened to be the "path less traveled by"--and less traveled by for very good reason! However, I firmly believe that God will turn those experiences to my benefit in the long run if I remain faithful. "All things work together for good to those who love God," as Paul phrased it. C.S. Lewis put it wonderfully in his book The Great Divorce:

That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering, "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory. And of some sinful pleasure they say "Let me have but this and I'll take the consequences": little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past and contaminate the pleasure of the sin. Both processes begin even before death. The good man's past begins to change so that his forgiven sins and remembered sorrows take on the quality of Heaven: the bad man's past already conforms to his badness and is filled only with dreariness. And that is why, at the end of all things, when the sun rises here and the twilight turns to blackness down there, the Blessed will say "We have never lived anywhere except in Heaven," and the Lost, "We were always in Hell." And both will speak truly.

In the meantime, my difficult past experiences provide a stark contrast to my present. Today I get to work in the temple, which makes me want to jump up on my chair and shout "Hallelujah!" And when I think where I would be right now, had my life gone where I hoped it would, all I can do is close my eyes and offer up a prayer of absolute gratitude to Someone who knows infinitely better than me how to get me to the place I want to go.