I want to focus on a specific kind of humor, though: humor at the expense of others. I thought about this as I was playing games with my friends recently. The game we were playing turned into teasing "humor." As I watched those making the jokes laughing, I also observed the reactions of those who were the butt of the joke. A lot of times, their laughter seemed forced. Here's the thing I don't get--I'm pretty sure no one actually enjoys being made fun of. I suppose there are some situations where it's not hurtful, but for the most part, when someone makes fun of your appearance, your personality, etc. it's only really making everyone else laugh. We all play it off because no one wants to seem insecure or overly-sensitive or be the killjoy, but I think these type of jokes only serve to make people more insecure--even if imperceptibly. What makes us think it's okay to highlight and mock things someone has no control over (personal appearance/features) or something each individual is struggling to get control over (character/personality)? Even if it's supposedly "all in good fun?"
We discussed humor in my social psychology course--men, as a general rule, use more humor that is at the expense of others, also known as "aggressive humor." Women, as a general rule, use more self-deprecatory humor. From an evolutionary standpoint, men seek to be strong in comparison with those around them since they are the "protectors" and "providers"--for that reason, humor which targets weaknesses of others would serve their ends. Women, on the other hand, are the "nurturers," and therefore seek to make those around them feel comfortable and cared for. I think the gender differences in humor have lessened by a lot this century as independent, self-sufficient women are smiled upon more. But this means that more of us are using aggressive humor.
As I ponder the humor I find in those I care about most, the best example of humor that I can think of is my aunt Jane.
Jane, along with my Grandma Colleen and all her children (including my own dad), is one of the most caring people I know. I want to be her when I grow up. She is a master at making people feel at home and at highlighting and discovering their strengths and talents. Jane's humor is never at the expense of others--she loves to laugh at her own quirks and make others laugh with her. There's a difference between self-deprecating and self-defeating humor. To me it seems that healthy humor would be in hopes of getting someone to laugh with you rather than simply to laugh at you. Showing that we find humor in situations and circumstances we're placed in allows others to connect with us, making us more human to those around. Aggressive humor estranges others and places the joker and the object of the joke on different planes. Psychological studies show aggressive humor to be positively correlated with hostility and aggression. "Self-enhancing humor," where we find humor through our perspective on situations and circumstances, is positively correlated with cheerfulness, self-esteem, optimism, psychological well-being, and satisfaction with social support. Even if we think we're not hurting others with humor at their expense, it's hurting us.
If anyone is interested on what church leaders have to say about humor, here are some good excerpts I found:
From "If We Can Laugh At It, We Can Live With It"--a fantastic talk on humor.
There are times...when not everyone is laughing. We must be careful to distinguish between genuine humor, which everyone can enjoy, and hurtful humor, which is at someone else’s expense.
Even a hasty “just kidding” doesn’t excuse put-downs and other rude forms of hurtful humor. People may play along with the joke and even manage a little artificial laugh for the sake of the audience, but the resulting wounds go deep. Many remember hurtful comments for years, and relationships may be damaged or destroyed.
The scriptures instruct us to strengthen one another in all our conversations (see D&C 108:7). Humor should be used to build and uplift. Jokes are more fun when they help people feel good about themselves, not embarrassed.From Elder Holland's advice on dating and courtship,
“In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, who is constantly critical of you, who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor. Life is tough enough without having the person who is supposed to love you lead the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy. In this person’s care you deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure."From "Is Anyone Laughing?":
Keeping a sense of humor helps us endure the trials of life. It is truly medicine to the soul (see Proverbs 17:22). However, not all humor is good humor. Elder Robert E. Wells of the First Quorum of the Seventy wrote: “For some people, sharp questions or quick rejoinders are habits. Criticism is a form of humor for them, and they enjoy feeling superior when they see someone else’s discomfort. This is a tragic, sinful attitude that must be changed” (“Overcoming Those Differences of Opinion,” Ensign, Jan. 1987, 60–61).
We should be able to joke around with our friends, but there is a big difference between having fun with joking and making fun through joking. True friends help you feel better about yourself. They don’t try to make themselves feel better at your expense. True friends enjoy mutual trust as much as they enjoy a good laugh. True friends allow you to let your guard down instead of always requiring you to keep your defenses up.
How do you know if your comments are building or hurting, just plain fun or crossing the line? Here is a test: How many times do you have to follow your comments up with the words just kidding? People think they can say whatever they want and then excuse their insensitivity with a quick, “Just kidding.” It’s a cop-out.
God did not send us here to degrade each other, but to bless each other. The scriptures instruct us to strengthen one another in all our conversations (see D&C 108:7).
Most people realize that what they see on many TV programs is not real. They are able to recognize fake backdrops, fake snowflakes, and fake characters. So why is it so hard to recognize fake laughter? Negative humor hurts, and the resulting wounds go deep. In real life no one is laughing. Not really. Many remember careless comments for years.From "The Sensitive Way:"
Sometimes, too, our humor may be at the expense of others. Is there a barb in our joke? Could it hurt someone? Do we know the other person’s sensitive areas well enough to make what we feel is a humorous comment?President Hinckley's fantastic talk "The Need for Greater Kindness" doesn't speak of humor specifically, but it's a great reminder about kindness and charity.
Laughter and humor are wonderful parts of life, but I think we could all take a closer look at our humor, how it's affecting others, and what it says about ourselves. My personal goal is to have more charity even in humor.
And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
