So THIS is what it feels like...

..to be HAPPY. I've been wondering what it is about my life that has made me so happy recently...That probably sounds silly. When happiness comes, you just accept it, no questions asked. Right? Maybe that's right. If it is, I failed. I thought I'd get to the bottom of it and figure out the cause so that I can make sure that happiness doesn't go anywhere. It's an interesting feeling I've had recently. It feels like I got something back that I didn't even know I was missing. I don't remember a time when I felt happier. It's not that I don't have problems right now. There are always plenty of those. But I really think I've tracked down the source of the contentment I've been feeling. I've been working so hard in my studies recently, preparing like crazy to be a missionary. I know that not everyone has the luxury of spending so much time studying. People have families, school, demanding jobs. But although the amount of time I've devoted to my studies contributes, I'm sure, I don't think that's where the answer is. It's the motivation behind those studies.
Going on a mission is a big leap of faith for me--it's a leap of faith for anyone, I realize. I'm scared half to death by a lot of the situations I'll probably encounter, by the tests my personality and character will run up against. I'm sure the feeling is shared by most missionaries, but geez, it's a powerful one! When I was younger, I thought I'd serve a mission. Then, the closer I got to mission age, the more I thought that it was probably just too hard. I never felt very propelled in that direction, but I never really prayed about it either. My decision to serve a mission was thus very sudden but very powerfully-inspired. And you know what? The preparation alone which I've done for my mission has been worth it. I'm a different person than I was 4 or 5 months ago. I know that my mission will challenge me more than I've ever been challenged before--it will also bring me the most happiness I've had.
But back to the subject--as I've been studying these past few months, I have had very specific and poignant concerns constantly on my mind and in my heart. That has made all the difference in the world. For once I feel like my will is in alignment (at least relatively so) with God's. In the past, I studied so hard--I really did. I studied during times that tried me where I never thought I'd be tried. But I was still holding tight to my will. I didn't want to listen to God's answers to me because I was scared of what that meant I'd have to give up. It took me 5 whole years to finally let go of that one situation. And now that I've let go, I realize what I chose to miss out on because of pride, because of a refusal to truly trust God with my life, because of an unwillingness to believe that God knows what my life really should be like. I took the long way. The really long way. The not-so-scenic route, covered in stinging nettle, poison ivy, and rocks. I took my way--which I thought was synonymous with "the easy way." But I've learned a lesson. Boy, did I ever learn! And now I hope I'm doing it His way. If that means diving into waters whose depths I don't even know, so be it. I don't even know how to dive! But I'll take that any day over what I put myself through these last few years. Because what I did was taking my burdens to the Lord, telling him about them, crying to Him, but refusing to believe that those were burdens I didn't have to carry.
As the year 2010 comes to a close, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude. Life didn't look so promising at the beginning of this year. In fact, 2010 was my hardest year yet--by a long shot. I've discovered weaknesses I never knew I had, I've had to let go of people I thought would always be in my life, I've had days where I felt like I was worth next-to-nothing. This year was an emotional rollercoaster--if there are rollercoasters that just keep taking you down and down lol. But I don't say all of this to complain. I say it to give contrast. Because I'm ending this year on a great note. And I know what has made the difference.