The Love Language Expert

If anybody needs lessons in how to effectively show love, I can tell you where to get them: not from me. Get them from this guy: 

That stud right there is my dad. And he is THE MASTER in demonstrating how much he cares for people through his actions. No joke. 
I realized this a few years ago, as my sister and I were discussing the book "The Five Love Languages." For those of you who haven't read it, the book discusses the different ways people show and receive love. The different ways are:

1. Gifts

2. Acts of service

3. Words of affirmation

4. Physical touch

5. Quality time

Ideally, the book helps you to recognize how you like to receive and give love, but more importantly, it helps you to understand how those around you like to receive love, and thus, how you can show your love most effectively to the people you care about. One person may value spending quality time together more than receiving a gift. Maybe you've been giving your wife gifts all these years to show her you care, but all she really wants is more quality time together. For someone else, the opposite may be true. There's a "test" at the end of the book to discover what YOUR primary love language is. Most people are strong in one or two areas, and then weaker in the others. Maybe your primary language is words of affirmation, your secondary is gifts, your tertiary is quality time, and further down are physical touch and acts of service. 

THE POINT IS

My dad is an EXPERT at all. five. love. languages. He uses all of them. All the time. And it blows my mind to think of how he does it. 

1. Gifts--the Cory Maxwell Way

Whenever my dad goes to the store (and he is known by name by all the grocers at Dan's, which means he goes almost nightly), he pretty much always brings home a treat. He knows how chocolate-dependent his children are, so he's always reaching his hand into the plastic Dan's bag and pulling out Reese's, Hershey's, chocolate orange sticks, Oreos, Milky Ways, or what have you. It's little things like that. But over a lifetime, I would argue (and I think my siblings would agree), it's much more effective than buying a one-time, huge gift, or even multiple big gifts over the years.

2. Acts of service--the Cory Maxwell Way

Picture this: you wake up on a winter morning and realize, with a sinking heart, that it snowed all night. You're running late, grumbling just thinking of how you'll have to take extra time to get the snow off your car windows and how your car's gonna be an icebox inside. Think again. Because Dad got up extra early (the man barely sleeps as is) to shovel the driveway (and Grandma's driveway), brush the snow off your windows, and even warm up your car. Bless. His. Heart. 

My dad's life is a constant flow of acts of service. Honest to goodness, the only thing I can think of that my dad does for himself is to read the newspaper while he eats his cereal. The entire remainder of his days consists of:

a) laundry

b) dishes

c) running to the store

d) taking a non-member neighbor to and from work 3 or 4 days a week. 

e) loooooong days at work (saving the world one quality, LDS book at a time)

f) home teaching

g) magnifying whatever calling he happens to hold (and filling in for others)

h) counseling his children

i) caring for Grandma Colleen

j) cleaning the house

k) a host of other altruistic acts 

Much to the chagrin of many of my siblings (especially Sarah), my dad is always eager to fulfill any requests they refuse to fulfill--like getting me a glass of water with crushed ice when I'm too lazy to walk upstairs myself. "Dad! You're reinforcing her laziness!" To which he just smiles and does it anyway. AND he doesn't get mad when I drink out of his water glass, which I do every time I notice it. 

This section could honestly go on indefinitely, but suffice it to say that my father does nothing but serve. And he'd be so embarrassed that I'm writing this. The man is H.U.M.B.L.E. 

3. Words of affirmation--the Cory Maxwell Way

If my dad saw this section, he might think this is a less-successful venture of his--at least when it comes to showing me he cares. I'm not very keen on receiving praise because I'm terrible at accepting a compliment--especially when the praise is given vocally. But, as uncomfortable as I may feel whenever my dad praises me or expresses his love for me (which is every time I see him, at least once), it makes an impression. Most definitely. He is constantly complimenting his children on their qualities, and one of the things I've heard most from my father's mouth is how grateful he is for what great children he has. I'm still learning how to be comfortable with expressing vocally how much I care for people, but my dad's example has been a constant and consistent one. He always makes you feel like a million bucks.

4. Physical Touch--the Cory Maxwell Way 

Of the 8 kids in my family, I'm known as the cuddly one. Ever since I was but a wee lass. Nay, a babe, even. I can always always always count on my dad for a hug. Especially a "side hug," which has become a family joke. He never lets me arrive from or leave back to Orem without one. Hugs are to be had in abundance when Dad's around. Annnd he lets me sit on his lap. Annnd he scratches my back if I ask (I know, I'm a terrible daughter). 
               5. Quality Time--the Cory Maxwell Way

This one is my primary love language, so it stands out especially to me. As a freshman at BYU, living in the dorms, I missed home. I didn't set my mind to immersing myself in the BYU social scene at Deseret Towers (may it rest in peace), so I was home. every. single. weekend. Yes, that's right. In my 4 1/2 years as an undergraduate, I can count on my fingers and toes the number of weekends I stayed in Provo. And guess who didn't have a car the majority of that time? This girl right here. And guess who came to pick her up every Friday and take her back every Sunday night? Dad. Rather than complaining about the FOUR hours of driving or the gas it required, my dad always told me how much he loved the quality time with me. He still talks about it to this day--7 years later--how much he enjoyed talking with me in the car those nights. And ya know what else? Rather than driving all the way to Provo every Sunday and just dropping me on the curb and wishing me a good week (which STILL would've been going above and beyond anything someone would expect of a father), he would carry my laundry bag into Building T and come up the elevator to the 7th floor with me. And then he'd get teary-eyed as he said goodbye, even though he probably already knew I'd be asking to come home in 5 days again. 

Exhibit B. Every time I've gone out of the country, be it a 5 am departure or a 1 am arrival, my dad always wants to take me to and from the airport. Of all the flying I've done, never has my dad been absent for a departure or an arrival. Once again, he doesn't just drop me off at the curb. He goes in with me, helps me check my baggage, and waits as I go through the (looong) security lines. Always there's that familiar face as I get through security and turn around to wave, or as I come down the escalator into baggage claim. All my airport memories include Dad. 

Exhibit C. Every time I'm home for the weekend, every time we have family at the house, my dad inevitably asks us what we would like to do while we're together--be it going to dinner, watching a movie, playing games, "or having Dad hyper down and stop asking questions," as he puts it. It's always been obvious that the family is his priority, and he's open to whatever we want to do, as long as it means spending time together. 

Like I said before, I could go on forever about quality time, the Cory Maxwell Way.

My dad is the most Christlike person I know because he is the most effective love-giver of anyone I know. All the strongest examples of Christlike attributes in my life have come from my parents and grandparents. To know someone as well as I know my dad, to have spent as much time with him as I have, and to still feel that way about him--there's no greater compliment I could possibly give him. 

 All of that, and he STILL knows how to have a whole lot of fun...

I love my dad.

Decision 2012--An Update

No. I'm not talking Mitt vs. Barack.

I'm talking about ME.

Yes, this is a selfish post. 

I pretentiously dubbed my grad school decision process "Decision 2012."  It's appropriate since I've been in the throws of the decision-making process for the entire first half of 2012, and I'll be starting my program/programme in 2012. As far as scope, it may not be as influential as the Presidential election, but for me personally its ramifications are so much more influential, intimate, and far-reaching. 

Lemme break it down for ya: In 4 months, I will be either

here

or here

or here

If you want cities rather than campuses, this is my decision:

this

or this

or this

That, my friends, is my decision. 

Okay, it's a bit more complicated than a bunch of Google images. So much so that I made a spreadsheet for my decision. I know, I'm my grandpa's granddaughter for sure. 

But nevermind that. This is BIG, people! Will my future resume say;

Master of Public Health, Brigham Young University, Provo, Utah, USA

or

Master of Science International Child Health, University College London, London, UK

or

Master of Public Health, University of Edinburgh, Edinburgh, UK

????

I've been praying about and dissecting this decision for 7 months now. And it doesn't seem to get much more manageable. I've felt like either The Man Upstairs is being awfully quiet about it all OR my revelation circuits are jammed. 

But SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE.

I believe that. If I didn't, I'd probably be on anxiety medication right now. nbfr.

In other news, I'm so chocolate-deprived right now.

Knees

It's crazy how life continues as if nothing has changed, even when I feel like everything is crashing down around and upon me. To an onlooker, everything must seem normal as I go about my nightly routine. To the untrained eye, there's nothing unusual to see here. Oh, but inside...
My insides churn, my stomach ties itself in knots, my heart is sick; but I robotically brush my teeth, put on my pajamas, and get down on my knees. Just like any other night.

On my knees. 

Once my knees hit the bed, things become more real; my feelings intensify; and even though it started as a routine gesture, I suddenly remember what real, sincere prayer feels like. No vain repetitions tonight. It's a dance between the desperate, fear-based emotions overwhelming me and the automatic peace and faith I feel when I pray. That time on my knees is sacred.

I pray as hard as I can for things to be "fixed"--for something to happen to reverse this potent emotional episode--for the situation to disappear so that I don't have to feel what I'm feeling.

And then suddenly I remember that my Father has always taken care of me. And He always will. He has gotten me through worse times and trials; He will get me through this one, too.

On my knees, I'm traveling.

Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them. (Bible Dictionary)

That's my destination. I express these emotions I'm drowning in to sort through them with Him and to slowly bring my will into correspondence with His; to secure the blessings He already has waiting for me.
And then....
I take a step into the seemingly dark and unfamiliar future.
I wake up at 6:25. I shower. I eat. I drive to work.

Life. Goes. On.

And it really does--with or without me. Do I go on with it or stay paralyzed with fear? This time I'm going on with it, wherever it's headed; scriptures in hand, callused knees, and all. 

Hi. My name is Martha. I'm an embarrassment.

So, I just noticed something super embarrassing that I do. Here it is, well-documented: 

Much as the scenery may look like New York City, I am in fact wearing a New York sweatshirt in the Swiss Alps. 

Sporting the same New York gear in Paris. Of all the ways to scream "I'm an American tourist!" I think I chose the most effective one. 

My Paris shirt traveled with me to Peru...Probably my companion turned her plaque around cuz she's embarrassed to be associated with such a noob..

Paris shirt makes an entrance in Bolivia. Notice how Hermana Harman to my left realizes that we're actually in Bolivia, not France, and she dresses accordingly. She's so clever. 

London Loves--in Thailand. Not only does my shirt say London on it...it doesn't even make sense. "London Loves"?? Incomplete sentences are the. 

This may be the most acceptable oopsy since I'm wearing an Ireland shirt in Wales--countries which aren't too terribly far apart geographically or culturally. All the same, it just makes me look confused.

More London lovin' in Mexico. Brittany kindly painted me and my shirt ("I love TJ"/Tijuana on the back)so that it's probably going to be retired now. All the future countries I'll visit express their gratitude. 

So...this isn't acceptable. I'm embarrassed for myself. It either makes me look dense, like I can't remember where I am, or else it makes me look like I'm trying to broadcast the places I've been even as I go to new ones--which is still dense. Please forgive me. I promise I'll stop.

The Face of Mexico's Future

Some pictures I took while in Mexico of the beautiful children we spent time with.

Headlines

Here are some of the headlines I read on ksl.com this Monday morning:

Police find girl's body in Jordan River, investigating as murder

US Army sergeant kills 16 in Afghan villages

Man wanted for 22 murders nabbed in Panama

It's enough to send you into a depression. Without even reading the stories. So much evil, and so widespread. Just another day, with a few more people leaving their mark on the world. A really, terribly, awful mark. This got me wondering about the kind of mark I'm leaving on the world. Nope. I'm not killing anyone. But what am I doing? It's not enough to not be doing anything bad. There's that quote attributed to various people that says

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

We've got to be out actively doing good. For every one bad deed, we need at least two or three good ones--preferably a whole lot more. We've got to be leaving people better than we find them. Wendell Phillips said

How prudently most men creep into nameless graves; while now and then one or two forget themselves into immortality. 

These are the men who ignite fires within others. They don't go about serving and doing good for fame's sake--they go about doing good to bring glory to God, and they end up inspiring others to follow their example.
That was a bit of a tangent. The real point I want to talk about is that the news is an awfully skewed representation of what our world looks like. Ideally, the news acts as a motivator, informing us of the things that need changing in the world. But sometimes, it feels more like your evil shoulder angel, taunting you and reminding you that, no matter how happy you feel, there are terrible things happening all around; no matter how much good you're doing, somebody's out there doing more bad.
This is why I feel like somebody needs to be out there, writing the other side of the story. There are so many people out there doing good things, great things, miraculous things. I'm reminded of this as I work in the temple every Wednesday.
-There are 4,500 workers who run the Provo Temple. They are all volunteers. A high percentage of them are elderly. That means, they could be at home, watching old war movies, or playing with their grandchildren. But they're not. They're dedicating hours every week to serve in the House of God.
-I don't know how many patrons come through the temple on an average day, but IT. IS. A. LOT. We've got starving, stressed students.We've got elderly couples. We've got widows and widowers. We've got newlyweds. We've got teenagers. We've got young couples with multiple rambunctious children at home. We've got full-time missionaries. We've got middle-aged couples. We've got it all. And as I watch people like Sister Mazariegos who comes daily to the temple, I just feel so grateful for all the wonderful people giving of their time and talents to good causes.
I'm again reminded of the good people are doing as I watch students come to our office to plan their time abroad--students who are serving in developing countries in so many different ways. These students are paying (sometimes paying a pretty penny) for the opportunity to give.
I'm reminded as I read the one-in-a-hundred article about something selfless someone's done--like the mother who lost her legs saving her children from a tornado two weeks ago.
Good is happening. Am I involved? Are you?

Purpose is Important

Let's all say a hearty hello to two definitions from dictionary.com: 

RELIGION: a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs. 

SCIENCE: systematic knowledge of the physical or material world gained through observation and experimentation. 

OR 

the systematic study of the nature and behaviour of the material and physical universe, based on observation, experiment, and measurement, and the formulation of laws to describe these facts in general terms. 

I would hope that it's apparent that not only do religion and science seek to explain different things, but they explain it by different methods. 

I've blogged this quote recently, but C.S. Lewis explains the different purposes of science and religion so perfectly. 

Science works by experiments. It watches how things behave. Every scientific statement in the long run, however complicated it looks, really means something like, "I pointed the telescope to such and such a part of the sky at 2:20 A.M. on January 15th and saw so-and-so," or, "I put some of this stuff in a pot and heated it to such-and-such a temperature and it did so-and-so." Do not think I am saying anything against science: I am only saying what its job is. And the more scientific a man is, the more (I believe) he would agree with me that this is the job of science- and a very useful and necessary job it is too. But why anything comes to be there at all, and whether there is anything behind the things science observes-something of a different kind-this is not a scientific question. If there is "Something Behind," then either it will have to remain altogether unknown to men or else make itself known in some different way. The statement that there is any such thing, and the statement that there is no such thing, are neither of them statements that science can make. And real scientists do not usually make them. It is usually the journalists and popular novelists who have picked up a few odds and ends of half-baked science from textbooks who go in for them. After all, it is really a matter of common sense. Supposing science ever became complete so that it knew every single thing in the whole universe. Is it not plain that the questions, "Why is there a universe?" "Why does it go on as it does?" "Has it any meaning?" would remain just as they were?

So many people nowadays desire to discount and exclude religion from public discourse because it is based on ideas or concepts not scientifically-proven. Well, duh. Science is the recording of observations of the material/physical world. Religion explains the cause, source, and purpose of what science observes. Science is one way of "knowing" (and I use that word verrry loosely, since science is constantly changing "its" mind or claiming opposing facts). Science has its limits. Just ask an epistemologist, someone whose work is the philosophical study of knowledge--its limits, its scope, and how it is obtained. Reading up on it shows some of those limits. 
Theoretically, religion has more bearing on science than the other way around. Even from the above definitions we can see the way religion would, in theory, affect science. Religion involves a moral code that governs the conducting of "human affairs." Scientific observation is included in those "human affairs," and would thus be affected by a religious moral code. This is why some religious people are extremely opposed to things like stem-cell research and contraceptives/abortion; they believe these scientific advancements are in violation of the moral code. 
A further example of religion's bearing on science. Let's start with the idea of purpose versus function. The purpose of something provides insight into how it functions--especially how it SHOULD function. For example, suppose we set a man in a room full of new objects, one of which is a cellular phone. He can, by experimentation and observation, explain some of the things the phone is capable of. But without knowledge of its purpose, he won't know or appreciate its full functionality or how to use it as it was intended to be used--nor will he necessarily know HOW it came into being and by WHOM. On the other hand, place that man with the same device AND the knowledge of its purpose and its source, and he can use it accordingly, in addition to understanding HOW it functions. Purpose affects the way something is used, and that is why it is such a vital key in the search for knowledge. It is so much easier and more practical to explain the "how" when we know the "why." A more familiar example of this is education. Completing a degree in any subject is much harder when we don't feel there is a purpose or motive behind it. Sure, you can do chemistry homework after being taught in an organic chemistry class. You know HOW to do the homework. But wouldn't your attitude and approach change if you knew that you were studying and doing the homework so that you could in time become a doctor? Junior high and high school students are recognized in the discipline of psychology as a group at a developmental stage which makes it very difficult to think in terms of "the long run." Their pre-frontal cortex (some of whose functions include focusing attention, forming strategies, impulse control, and planning) is still in the developmental phase. Try getting one of these "now"-focused students to understand and appreciate the importance of diligence in school and how it will affect them for the rest of their lives. It doesn't come naturally to most of them. Once that cortex develops, though, they are much better able to self-regulate and plan ahead. Likewise, when we know our purpose here--the "why"--it changes our approach to the "how," the "who," the "what," the "where," and the "when." 
Religion is the "why." Science is PART of the "how," affected by "why." Science is a part of the greater whole which is religion; not the other way around. 
Religion provides purpose, and purpose generates confidence, motivation, and direction. Science needs religion.