So…I leave to the MTC 3 months from yesterday. How do we feel about this? Well, it’s dependent upon my mood. I wake up in the morning (probably not the best time to gauge my feelings on any subject), and I feel anxious and almost repelled by the thought of leaving—leaving the comforts of home, family, and all that’s familiar to me. I go to General Conference and think of Mom’s heart attack while Sarah was gone, and I get a horrible pit in my stomach with the thought of anything happening to Mom, Dad, or any of my siblings/family while I’m gone. It terrifies me. I sit at conference and feel the Spirit and a desire to share it with others. I talk to Sister Jackie Lautaha and feel inspired by her love of her mission. I read Preach My Gospel—the chapter on finding—and I feel excited to serve people in order to spread the gospel. I read Preach My Gospel about all the documentation and planning involved in missionary work, and I feel down. I look at pictures of sisters who served in Peru and Bolivia, and I feel excited. I talk to Janella who didn’t love her mission experience, and I feel anxious.
People always always ask me, “Are you excited?” I wish I could just say, “YES! Sooo excited!” But I’d be lying. People always say, “You’re going to be a great missionary!” And I think, what gives this them idea? What about me do they think makes for a great missionary? Doesn’t everyone say that same thing to every departing missionary? I wonder, do they know how my attitude is less than desirable in many situations? Do they know how selfish I am? How I get upset when things don’t go my way? How I’m not a very hard-worker? Do they realize that I’m not a very tolerant person? That I tend to be more letter-of-the-law and less spirit-of-the-law? That I’m terrible at disagreeing amicably? That I always have to be right?
I do love the gospel. It affects every single aspect of my life. I’d be completely lost without it. But I don’t know that my current personality and state translates into me being a great missionary.
That being said, I know that a mission will challenge me in precisely the areas where I am weak and need to grow and struggle. The thought of that makes me shake, though.
People always always ask me, “Are you excited?” I wish I could just say, “YES! Sooo excited!” But I’d be lying. People always say, “You’re going to be a great missionary!” And I think, what gives this them idea? What about me do they think makes for a great missionary? Doesn’t everyone say that same thing to every departing missionary? I wonder, do they know how my attitude is less than desirable in many situations? Do they know how selfish I am? How I get upset when things don’t go my way? How I’m not a very hard-worker? Do they realize that I’m not a very tolerant person? That I tend to be more letter-of-the-law and less spirit-of-the-law? That I’m terrible at disagreeing amicably? That I always have to be right?
I do love the gospel. It affects every single aspect of my life. I’d be completely lost without it. But I don’t know that my current personality and state translates into me being a great missionary.
That being said, I know that a mission will challenge me in precisely the areas where I am weak and need to grow and struggle. The thought of that makes me shake, though.
“As you and I observe the valiant cope successfully with severe and relentless trials, we applaud and celebrate their emerging strength and goodness. Yet the rest of us tremble at the tuition required for the shaping of such sterling character, while hoping we would not falter should similar circumstances come to us!”
In pondering and pursuing consecration, understandably we tremble inwardly at what may be required. Yet the Lord has said consolingly, “My grace is sufficient for you” (D&C 17:8). Do we really believe Him? He has also promised to make weak things strong (see Ether 12:27). Are we really willing to submit to that process? Yet if we desire fulness, we cannot hold back part! —Grandpa Neal
I know that in the past, I haven’t dealt well with homesick. When something gets hard, I want to give up. I have the worst endurance possible. So, why, you may ask, am I going to a developing country for 18 months to work 16-hour days among a different culture in a different language? Doesn’t really sound like the best idea, does it? Well, truth is, I WANT to be the kind of person who takes a challenge head-on, who endures difficult times, who doesn’t give up when it’s tough. I don’t want to shrink from a difficult taske. And really, the only way to change that is to DO it. And the best way to do that, I think, is to do so with the Lord fully behind me. I’ve sure got a lot to learn and become, and the sacrifices entailed in that are going to be worth it. It’s my decision how I confront and take those on. I’m just praying that I have the strength to handle them the right way when they do come.
I think that I have the opportunity to make my mission a completely wonderful experience. Like President Monson said, it takes an attitude of gratitude. I guess I’m going into the mission experience with (I think) a vivid realization and knowledge that, for me, this is going to be one heck of an experience. It’s hard for me to understand those who feel nothing but excitement when leaving for or contemplating a mission. I understand that the spiritual highs you achieve on a mission are unparalleled in many cases. But conversely, I also understand that the lows you feel on a mission may be equally unparalleled. I just need to keep in mind the fact that these will not only balance eachother out, but the highs will outweigh the lows.
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