ANYONE can get money for school, as long as...

From my scholarship searches thus far, I thought I'd put together an example of the standard eligibility requirements for any scholarship of appreciable value. Here goes.

Applicants must:
-Be natives of Azerbaijan who have moved to Misrata, Libya in the past 3 years
-Be a self-proclaimed member of the LGBT community
-Be studying the uses of petroleum in the War on Terrorism
-Be applying to study at Slippery Rock University (I didn't make that up)
-Be an alumna/alumnus of Hood College
-Have suffered from eczema since age 4
-Have an older brother named Jonathan Magnus Bloomsberg

Okay, maybe that's exaggerating a smidge, but not much. I get all excited when I see grants and scholarships that cover tuition and living expenses--or even those that offer $1,000. Then invariably I realize how far off I am from the requirements. Someday when I'm rich, I'm going to create a scholarship fund, and I'm going to set my own requirements based off of my unique life story:

Applicants must:
-Be the 6th child of 8 (eliminates pretty much any Europeans or Asians)
-Have graduated from BYU with a degree in French Studies (to be used interchangeably with "Have graduated from BYU with a worthless degree"??)
-Be total unqualified for and yet have every intention of studying public health at a U.K. university
-Be a white, middle-class female with average intelligence
-Have no middle name

Take that, student hopefuls!