Today I'm just going to write about whatever comes to mind--without being limited by a theme or subject. So here's what's on my mind.
Life, the situations in it, and the thoughts in it are all undulating waves, bringing ups and downs, high and low tide, tangled seaweed and beautiful seashells. There may be variation in the frequency of those ups and downs, or in how long the tide is high and low, but it's a done deal that if the tide's been high, it's going to be low at some point. And conversely, if life's been bringing nothing but seaweed, seashells and gold-flecked sand are going to come at some point.
That being said, in the last year more than ever, I've found that these circumstantial details don't have as much control over how I generally feel in life as I sometimes claim or think. Trials there are in life, but feeling joy is generally far more connected with my level of worthiness regarding the gospel and my commitment to serve in the Lord's way.
For 4 or 5 years, I pursued what I wanted in life--or rather what I thought I wanted. Those were dark years, but I didn't realize just how dark until I tried, in a very small way perhaps, to pursue what the Lord wanted for me. I now look back and realize what a constant, unnecessary, irrational battle I was fighting. It's like preventing someone from turning on the light in the room because you've gotten so used to finding your way around in the dark. Finally you let the switch flip. Sure enough, your eyes sting and you have to blink to keep out some of that bright light. When you open up your eyes and survey your surroundings, nothing is as it seemed to be when you were feeling your way around. Things have fallen over and even broken as you've groped around for so long in the dark. Is this really the mess you've been surviving in? How did you possibly manage?
This is how I feel about those 4 or 5 years. There are good memories, yes. Of course there are! But overwhelmingly, as hindsight kicks in, the overall aura of those years is one of hurt and struggle. People always compare life to a painting or a tapestry of which we don't see the whole picture. In one of her songs, Beyonce said, "I painted it for you, but you picked the colors." Now that I get to step back and see the bigger picture, it's more and more clear what colors I chose, who I gave my brush to, and what painting resulted.
The painting that formed in those few years of my life is only a relatively small part of the even bigger picture that will be my whole life's work when all's said and done. But it's still a part of it--and it sure didn't feel "small" when it was happening. Presently of more significance, I'm still learning how to make it fit with what I want my painting to look like. How do make that mostly dark, depressing patch blend in with the beautiful vibrancy I'm trying to create now? I'm sure I'll find a way, but it's definitely a work in progress.
Next thought: Emotion. It's unreal how powerful emotion is. In psychology, we frequently talked about emotional memory--how memories last longer when they are associated with strong emotion. I was reading some of my journal entries from last year, and boy, was this brought home to me. Emotions laying dormant for months and months, but it was almost scary how quickly they resurfaced and agitated me. Words on a page is all they were, but I can remember how I felt during the events I was describing, and I can remember how I felt writing about them. I look back at a lot of the stuff I went through and put up with, and it just makes me sick inside.
Last week, Emily asked me if sometimes I ever want to just say, "Why, God? Why did I have to go through all of that?" I thought about it briefly, but then I said, "No. I really don't think God wanted or meant for me to go through that. I think I didn't listen to what He wanted for me." It's not that I don't believe God lets us go through difficult things for our benefit and growth. I know He does--that's an essential part of my basic beliefs. But in this instance, I believe that God probably wanted something very different for me. I surely learned lessons, but those lessons could be gleaned from other experiences. I chose my way, which happened to be the "path less traveled by"--and less traveled by for very good reason! However, I firmly believe that God will turn those experiences to my benefit in the long run if I remain faithful. "All things work together for good to those who love God," as Paul phrased it. C.S. Lewis put it wonderfully in his book The Great Divorce:
That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering, "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory. And of some sinful pleasure they say "Let me have but this and I'll take the consequences": little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past and contaminate the pleasure of the sin. Both processes begin even before death. The good man's past begins to change so that his forgiven sins and remembered sorrows take on the quality of Heaven: the bad man's past already conforms to his badness and is filled only with dreariness. And that is why, at the end of all things, when the sun rises here and the twilight turns to blackness down there, the Blessed will say "We have never lived anywhere except in Heaven," and the Lost, "We were always in Hell." And both will speak truly.In the meantime, my difficult past experiences provide a stark contrast to my present. Today I get to work in the temple, which makes me want to jump up on my chair and shout "Hallelujah!" And when I think where I would be right now, had my life gone where I hoped it would, all I can do is close my eyes and offer up a prayer of absolute gratitude to Someone who knows infinitely better than me how to get me to the place I want to go.
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